Six months into our marriage, I asked my husband to give me a performance rating based on how well I did with household chores, taking care of the house, and him. Well, not to forget my smooth(?) transition into his family.
His rating rather disappointed me.
He said I am only at the “meets expectations” level and have got more things to improve.
My blood was boiling at this point, and I wanted to give it back to him, making him feel at least a thousand times worse than I felt right now. In silence, I was rating him “Below Expectations as per my standards.”
I held back my urge. I acted like I was listening to his ideas and asked him more questions. Like how we engage at work when the boss gets excited during those appraisal talks.
In a quiet voice, I continued, “How else do you think I can exceed your expectations?” Please illustrate with some examples.
I could sense his surprise that the session had gone on far more than the expected duration. For the first time in years, he was stunned at my tolerance level. Although we were newly married, we have known each other for a long time.
He added, “It would help if you took out the kitchen trash now and then. Also, please assist me with putting the items from the shopping cart on the billing counter instead of standing there, folding your hands behind your back.” wow, that hit me hard.
He went on to say, “You could keep the mailbox empty. And he added several other tasks that needed so much physical movement.” I’m not dismissing household chores, but my way of making our house feel like home was with my signature homecooked food, prepared from scratch for every meal [three times a day].
He added more to his wish list until he could hear my sigh.
I was shocked that he seemed oblivious to my culinary skills, not recollecting the number of surprise guests he invited to our place to enjoy my evening chai or devour my delicious food.
He clearly missed the whole point of this discussion and readily mentioned what he wished to see, taking what I was already doing for granted. In my mind, I had been playing the best wife without realizing what was going on in his.
I persuaded him to now tell me what I had done well.
Thanks to the heavens, he finally took a moment to say a word or two about my cooking, using limited adjectives.
He paused for a moment and continued, “Although I agree with your cooking efforts, I am more interested in a sparkling clean home than in eating a homemade meal.” The verdict was out at last.
I couldn’t believe he actually said that. Anyway, what was I thinking when I volunteered to open the can of worms?
Although I felt unseen, I felt a strange happiness for him for expressing himself. That comment about folding my hands behind my back got to me. It made me wonder how long he had been holding back those words.
I left his rating with comments hanging on my bedside table and slept through the night.
The following morning, he looked surprised when I served him hot tea, as if he was expecting me to start some unrelated argument, keeping last night’s discussion in mind.
It was still too early in our marriage for him to know I was anything but ordinary. I never had a history of holding grudges or throwing mud at each other.
I gave him a big grin as I sipped my morning tea while watching the news on TV with him.
Like the silence would break his mind, he blurted out: Are you really okay with our conversation last night? And I nodded yes.
He headed to the kitchen with a confused smile to take out the trash bins and returned home after clearing the mailbox.
As I continued to pack our lunch boxes, he stopped me to mention how liberating it felt to say something he meant to my face and how comfortable he felt to be heard.
It appeared like he needed my evaluation session more than me. Our simple exchange seemed to have lifted some baggage from his shoulders.
Although we did not openly commit to each other, we attempted to do the other person’s tasks in the next few weeks.
At first, we both realized the importance of our contributions in running the family and learned to acknowledge that. Earlier, I never considered him picking up the trash or clearing the mailbox as part of our task list.
So, I never appreciated his grocery shopping or unloading the dishwasher. In successive days, I understood the difficulties involved only when I tried to do his chores, and my respect for him leaped.
I understood he did much more work than I knew existed. He did some of them anyway, although he didn’t enjoy them. He continued to do so without complaints. It was his subtle way of expressing that he cared enough.
From his side, when he tried to surprise me with his cooking on a weekday evening, he admitted how he never comprehended putting the ingredients together to be so complex.
My perception of him entirely changed. I could not stop feeling grateful for his incredible presence around the house. I couldn’t help but applaud and say nice things about him whenever he ticked off the task on our to-do checklist.
We started recognizing our efforts, and some days, I went overboard to celebrate my husband for going above and beyond my expectations. He felt so good, and he did more at his elevated level of happiness and satisfaction.
And then there were days when I was merely cheerleading while he did all my work, too. The power of having a stellar team member in the team!
We never argued much about who did the most work at home because we both knew it was a collective effort and were together as one team.
Some days, only one team member fights fires while the other relaxes in a cold shower. That is a precise definition of a beautiful marriage in one line.
My wish for you today is to unfold the magic in your relationship with your loved one by taking the time to appreciate them for all their efforts, especially the ones they do, though they don’t enjoy them too.
© Tamil, 2025.
This story was originally published in my weekly newsletter: Magicbytes.
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